and avoid our booking manager's reminder

ocean2

Senior Member
croate
Hello Everyone,

Would anybody mind checking my sentence below please?

So that we may finalize our agreement, would you please, as far as possible for you, return the signed copy of the contract and avoid our booking manager’s reminder.

Please don't hesitate to suggest, correct or make any comment.
Thank you in advance for your help.


Context:

This is the sentence I usually write when sending the contracts in (email) attachment to our partners (travel agents). Some of them wait a long time and then forget or just loose them and then require the contracts again. These agreements must be signed by both sides because of the commission rate and (room) allocations.
 
  • suzi br

    Senior Member
    English / England
    I don't think "avoid our booking manager's reminder" is very catchy as a persuasive phrase. I have never seen anything like it in any business correspondance.

    "Please return your signed copy as soon as possible" would be the usual/to the point thing to say. Or "immediately".

    I cannot see the point in suggesting that you will be sending a reminder unless you are going to attach a penalty to anyone who delays that long.
     

    Hermione Golightly

    Senior Member
    British English
    T We don't proof-read so I'll only comment on the post title which is not idiomatic English. It seems you mean 'so that we don't have to remind you. This is patronising, rather like the teacher saying you should give your homework in on time or you'll get a detention.
    It's taken for granted that people will return documents as soon as possible and it's understood that if they don't you will remind them.
     

    ocean2

    Senior Member
    croate
    Harmoine, thank you very much for your explanation.

    I was writing so far as follows:
    So that we may finalize our agreement, would you please return the signed copies of the contracts.
    I hope it is correct, but I need always to remind them. Therefore I wish to change the sentence.

    Please could you help me with another rewording?

    Thank you once again.
     

    suzi br

    Senior Member
    English / England
    I think sending reminders is pretty normal for lots of businesses. I don't think you will improve their response times by mentioning it.

    You cam firm up your latest sugestion:
    So that we may finalize our agreement, would you please return the signed copies of the contracts.


    By looking at your modal verbs:
    1. "may" is tentative - "can" is firmer
    2 "would you" seems to offer them a choice, I'd drop that and leave the imperative "please retur"
    3. You can also add the words I suggested at #2.

    If you did all of those you'd have this:
    So that we can finalise our agreement please return the signed copies of the contracts immediatly.

    That's pretty bossy!
     
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