awkward structure

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Heba

Senior Member
Egypt, Arabic
Hi, I am writing a paper for the Novel course, and I am afraid that the structure of some sentences is awkward or incoorect. Please read them if you have time and tell me if the sentences are correct, or if they can be written in a better form.
the first sentence is:

(The marriage of Charlotte Lucas and Mr. Collins is a negative portrait of a marriage that is not built on the elements which Jane Austen considers to be necessary for a successful marriage)

the second sentence is:

(Mr. Bennet's use of irony is significant since it underlines his loss of respect for his wife which results from the difference and inequality between the characters of Mr. and Mrs. Bennet.)
 
  • JLanguage

    Senior Member
    USA: American English, Learning Hebrew and Spanish
    Heba said:
    Hi, I am writing a paper for the Novel course, and I am afraid that the structure of some sentences is awkward or incoorect. Please read them if you have time and tell me if the sentences are correct, or if they can be written in a better form.
    the first sentence is:

    (The marriage of Charlotte Lucas and Mr. Collins is a negative portrait of a marriage that is not built on the elements which Jane Austen considers to be necessary for a successful marriage)

    the second sentence is:

    (Mr. Bennet's use of irony is significant since it underlines his loss of respect for his wife which results from the difference and inequality between the characters of Mr. and Mrs. Bennet.)
    Both sentences are a bit dense - I'd have to think awhile before suggesting any alternative constructions and may not be able to think of anything better myself.
     

    VenusEnvy

    Senior Member
    English, United States
    Heba said:
    the first sentence is:

    (The marriage of Charlotte Lucas and Mr. Collins is a negative portrait of a marriage that is not built on the elements which Jane Austen considers to be necessary for a successful marriage)
    The elements surrounding the marriage between Charlotte Lucas and Mr. Collins are inconsistent with what Jane Austen believes necessary for a successful marriage.

    Heba said:
    the second sentence is:

    (Mr. Bennet's use of irony is significant since it underlines his loss of respect for his wife which results from the difference and inequality between the characters of Mr. and Mrs. Bennet.)
    I'm not 100% sure how to rephrase this because I'm not 100% sure about what you're trying to say. Could you explain this one a little more? Elaborate, maybe?


    I hope I've helped with the first one. Of course there will be more suggestions for you to choose from.:)
     

    Heba

    Senior Member
    Egypt, Arabic
    Thank you very much VenusEnvy, you first reply was very helpful:)

    As for the second sentence, I am trying to give the reason why Mr. Bennet is using irony whenever he speaks with his wife, Mrs. Bennet.
    Perhaps qouting the whole paragraph may elaborate what I am trying to say:


    '' The marriage of Mr. and Mrs. Bennet is another negative example of a marriage that is built appearance rather than on understanding and mutual respect. Mr. Bennet is an intelligent man with abilities. He is an ''odd mixture of quick parts, sarcastic humour, reserve, and caprice''. When he was young, he was captivated by the beauty and the youth of Mrs. Bennet; therefore, he married her. After the marriage, he discovers that she is ''a woman of mean understanding, little information, and uncertain temper'', and he realizes that her handsome face is only a sorry compensation for her ignorance and absence of common sense. So, he loses his love and respect for his wife and he evades her by spending most of the time in reading books. He also finds a consolation in making use of his wit by making fun of her through the use of irony. It even becomes his hobby to make fun of her since '' her ignorance and folly contributed to his amusement''. Mr. Bennet's use of irony is significant since it underlies Mr. Bennet's loss of respect for his wife which is brought about by the difference and inequality between the characters of Mr. and Mrs. Bennet. Of course, this type of unequal marriage is not the type of marriage Jane Austen recommends since it lacks the understanding and respect which are necessary for a happy marriage''.

    Sorry for posting such a long reply,propably you are already tired of me:eek: I just feel that my language does not help me put into words exactly what I am thinking of.
     

    VenusEnvy

    Senior Member
    English, United States
    Mr. Bennet's overuse of sarcasm and ill-mannered wit with his wife makes clear his disrespect and change in attitude towards her.

    Heba said:
    [...] is significant since it underlies Mr. Bennet's loss of respect for his wife which is brought about by the difference and inequality between the characters of Mr. and Mrs. Bennet. Of course, this type of unequal marriage is not the type of marriage Jane Austen recommends since it lacks the understanding and respect which are necessary for a happy marriage''.
    The part in red is unclear for me.



    I attempted to rephrase it above. But, I need to think about it some more....
     

    Heba

    Senior Member
    Egypt, Arabic
    Oh, by the red pert, I mean that the difference between the intelligent Mr. Bennet and the foolish and stupid Mrs. Bennet drove him to lose her respect for her.
     

    O2BFluent

    New Member
    English/USA
    My take would be to break it up - too many ideas in a single sentence:

    1st set:
    The marriage of Charlotte Lucas and Mr. Collins is a negative portrait of a marriage. It is not built on the elements considered by Jane Austen to be necessary for a successful marriage.

    2nd set:
    Mr. Bennet's use of irony is significant since it underlines his loss of respect for his wife. This is a result of the differences between the characters of Mr. and Mrs. Bennet.

    "inequality" seemed redundant in your original sentence, and contextually is out of place.
     
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