awkward to smooth

jenniferh

New Member
USA English
I am trying to improve an awkwardly translated sentence into better English and am wondering which is better.

Original awkward sentence: (Families and couples will find it unforgettable to stay at the windmill or farmhouse, which have been converted into fully equipped apartments.)

Change 1:
Families and couples will have an unforgettable stay at the windmill or farmhouse, which have been converted into fully equipped apartments.

Change 2:
Families and couples will find staying at the windmill or farmhouse unforgettable, both having been converted into fully equipped apartments.

The awkward translation is pretty good, maybe I am being too picky. This one is pretty harmless, but I often have similar problems. Any ideas welcome, including rules for editors and translators. Thanks!
 
  • GEmatt

    Senior Member
    English/BE, Français/CH, Deutsch/CH (rustier & rustier)
    Hi,

    I prefer your first suggestion. Perhaps:

    "Each windmill or farmhouse has been converted into a fully equipped apartment, ensuring families and couples have an unforgettable stay."

    What do you think?
    GEmatt
     

    jenniferh

    New Member
    USA English
    Thanks for your input. This is a hotel blurb and they only have one windmill and one farmhouse in addition to the main house. I personally have a problem telling people what they will find unforgettable, but I try not to change things too much. Sometimes I get carried away and end up rewriting what nobody cares about anyway. I wonder if there is a rule of thumb or guideline about these things: the time/quality ratio and the keeping the original concept vs. fixing a stupid thing to say as well as the awkward/smooth factor.
     

    GEmatt

    Senior Member
    English/BE, Français/CH, Deutsch/CH (rustier & rustier)
    I hear you. In that case, "The windmill and farmhouse have been converted into fully equipped apartments, ensuring families and couples [have] an unforgettable stay". It doesn't have to be unforgettable in a positive way.

    I'd think as smooth as possible whilst keeping the original tone/pitch, but I'm not a professional.
    Hope it works out for you.
    GEmatt
     

    winklepicker

    Senior Member
    English (UK)
    Families and couples will find staying at the windmill or farmhouse unforgettable, both having been converted into fully equipped apartments.

    This one is worrying: it sounds like the families and couples have been converted into fully equipped apartments! Change 1 is the best of the three.
     

    jenniferh

    New Member
    USA English
    This one is worrying: it sounds like the families and couples have been converted into fully equipped apartments! Change 1 is the best of the three.
    Yes that's what I thought too, but then I doubted myself. I didn't want to tip people off to reading it that way either. Sometimes first instinct is better. Thanks for your input.
     
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