battered and broken now, '-- lenses dull and cracked'

Qwertyqwerty

Senior Member
Australian English
It was battered and broken now,-- lenses dull and cracked , with once-colourful stickers clinging clumsily onto a battered frame.

I have underlined the things which I thought might not be gramatically correct:
- do I need the comma? (because when I say it in my head, I pause)
- For "lenses dull and cracked" do I have to say "with lenses which were dull and cracked" or can I just leave it as it is?
 
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  • owlman5

    Senior Member
    English-US
    I think the comma serves you well where you have placed it. It helps the reader separate the comment that it is "battered and broken now" from the long descriptive phrase that follows.
     

    Copyright

    Senior Member
    American English
    As for sense, I assume we are told was "it" is before this sentence. If so, then it's all right. And the sentence is all right for me -- I would just switch the order of words for rhythm:

    It was battered and broken now -- lenses dull and cracked, with once-colourful stickers clinging clumsily to a/the [battered] frame.

    Replace [battered] with another adjective -- you've already used it in that sentence.
     

    Qwertyqwerty

    Senior Member
    Australian English
    As for sense, I assume we are told was "it" is before this sentence. If so, then it's all right. And the sentence is all right for me -- I would just switch the order of words for rhythm:

    It was battered and broken now -- lenses dull and cracked, with once-colourful stickers clinging clumsily to a/the [battered] frame.

    Replace [battered] with another adjective -- you've already used it in that sentence.
    Ok. Thank you very much. I didn't notice that I had "battered" there twice.
     
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