Britain [Version 2]

Ume

Banned
Japanese
Hello.

Could you proofread the following?
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My two-year stay in Britain broadened my horizons. I was impressed with the British people and their culture in many ways, and what I found particularly admirable was the way they feel about and deal with foreigners. The British try to treat foreigners just like their own people. For example, national health insurance is available for foreigners as well as for the British. In short, they pretend not to see foreigners as such. In this respect, the Japanese, who tend to be too conscious of people from abroad, are far less mature than the British.
 
  • CatStar

    Senior Member
    English, Ireland
    My two-year stay in Britain broadened my horizons. In many ways (just sounds better at start in my opinion!) I was impressed with the British people and their culture and what I found particularly admirable was the way they feel about and deal with foreigners. The British try to treat foreigners just like their own people(no real need for the word people). For example, national health insurance is available for foreigners as well as for the British. In short, they pretend not to see foreigners as such. In this respect, the Japanese, who tend to be too conscious of people from abroad, are far less mature than the British.

    Sounds good to me!
    Cat
     

    maxiogee

    Banned
    English
    I'm not sure that I'd agree with the use of the word "mature" at the end.

    In this respect the Japanese tend to be too conscious of people from abroad.
     

    suzi br

    Senior Member
    English / England
    I agree (maybe cos I'm English and well trained in being sensitive to avoiding giving offence over racial differences) but I think using the words "too" and " mature" are too judegmental!

    ps I know plenty of British people who are NOT as great as you paint in this essay!
     

    maxiogee

    Banned
    English
    suzi br said:
    ps I know plenty of British people who are NOT as great as you paint in this essay!
    With apologies to my British friends, (and being friends they obviously have no problems with foreigners, or Irish people at least) I would have to agree with suzi br.
     

    Ume

    Banned
    Japanese
    Hello, everyone.

    -------------
    My two-year stay in Britain broadened my mind. In many ways I was impressed with the British people and their culture, and what I found particularly admirable was how they feel about and deal with foreigners. The British try to treat foreigners just like their own. For example, national health insurance is available for foreigners as well as for the British. In short, they pretend not to see foreigners as such. In this respect, the Japanese, who tend to be too conscious of people from abroad, are far less mature than the British.
    --------------

    Could you rewrite the red part? I wonder if there is anything else to reword?
     

    maggs573

    Member
    English, USA
    My two-year stay in Britain broadened my mind. In many ways I was impressed with the British people and their culture, and what I found particularly admirable was how they feel about and deal with foreigners. The British try to treat foreigners just like their own. For example, national health insurance is available for foreigners as well as for the British. In short, they pretend not to see foreigners as such. In this respect, the Japanese, who tend to be too conscious of people from abroad, are far less mature than the British.


    the word "pretend" sounds wrong. maybe if you say "In short, they look past the fact that foreigners are just that."

    the way you say the Japanese are "far less mature" sounds too harsh and it is an awkward use of the word "mature." you could say "the Japanese, who tend to be more conscious of people from abroad, are less willing to accept foreigners as one of their own."
     
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