Take a trip with your date by train. While seeing the beautiful scenery from the window on the train, you and your date can feel unusual mood and it will help you enhance intimacy with your date.
Hi bosun,
I took your sentences and added my comments line by line. These are just my suggestions to spark your own creative ideas.
Enhance intimacy seems like too strong a choice of words for the moment experienced in the sentences. To me, enhance means to "intensify" and "intimacy" conjures sexual actions. This passage seems to be headed toward the romantic.
I'm thinking do the words coincide with the intent of the feelings you're trying to convey? I don't think they do.
1.Here's an example of what I mean:
Take a trip with your date by train.
Make it a date to remember when you take your special someone on a scenic adventure by train. (See how I did a play on words to describe date at the beginning? And it's always better to find alternative expressions for one of your target words.
Date is plain and just sits there, especially since I just used it in another way to open the sentence. "Special someone" is prettier. Also, you have to create emotions surrounding your destination. Just saying "train" means nothing. When you add to it, like "scenic adventure" the reader starts feeling a connection to what you're writing about.)
2.Your next line moves the action along.
While seeing the beautiful scenery from the window on the train,
While enjoying the beautiful panoramic views and breathtaking landscapes from your window, ("beautiful scenery" is nice but it doesn't do enough. You don't get excited reading it because you haven't created enough images in the reader's mind yet. You need to describe something more specific to reel in their imagination.) Also, my line is generic and so it's not as effective as it could be. What are they seeing when they look out their window? Mountains? Lakes? Forests? Whatever picture you paint, make it grand.
3.Next:you and your date
Try adding something more romantic like
you and your sweetheart
The same rule applies here with your target word, "date." You always need to say the same things, but using different words.
4.Next:
can feel unusual mood and it will help you enhance intimacy with your date.
will sit hand in hand as you enjoy this thrilling experience together.
You want to tell the reader that it will enhance intimacy, but you need to show how that is happening. Sitting "hand-in-hand" immediately creates in the reader's mind an intimate act. (well, one you can do in public.) You don't have to use this one. Think of a gesture that YOU think is romantic.
Also, avoid using words that are tentative, such as "it will help you enhance" That's wimpy. Be more affirmative:
it will enhance
Just like I wrote "
will sit hand in hand." Don't use shy actions; show positive, aggressive ones.
You also don't give any more context so we don't know if they'll be eating dinner on the train and we don't know exactly where they are. Lots of words can be added to embellish the atmosphere when you add these other variables.
I want to repeat what I suggested to you about your target words. Everything you write has one or several words that stream throughout the entire piece. You need to know which ones they are and then use synonyms to highlight them in different ways as you write. It's kind of like using complimentary flavors when you're cooking a dish: different ingredients that combine to make one delicious product.
Good luck on creating your interpretation.
AngelEyes
