focus exclusively in (on) your business productivity

mardanaz

Senior Member
Argentina - Spanish
After reading this sentence I've noticed that, although it was not wrong, it is too long... could somebody help me to split it in two and still keeping the sense?
"We offer real solutions that will let you focus exclusively in your business productivity, placing it at a top commercial level thanks to an image, seriousness and organizational level that will radically improve your life quality, both professional and personal."
Thanks!
 
  • daviesri

    Senior Member
    USA English
    mardanaz said:
    After reading this sentence I've noticed that, although it was not wrong, it is too long... could somebody help me to split it in two and still keeping the sense?
    "We offer real solutions that will let you focus exclusively in your business productivity, placing it at a top commercial level thanks to an image, seriousness and organizational level that will radically improve your life quality, both professional and personal."
    Thanks!
    I would hate to disagree but this sentence makes absolutely no sense to me at all. I am having trouble breaking it into smaller sentences because I cannot see how each statement within each comma ties to the others. The may be due to the fact that I do not know what it is they are selling.
     

    lmarfell

    Member
    english, england
    I am having a similar problem to the person above. It makes perfect sense to me, until it talks about "image, seriousness..." etc. that part just makes no sense to me at all.

    However, I have done what I could with what you gave us:

    We offer real solutions, letting you focus exclusively on the productivity of your business. We place it at a top commercial level thanks to a serious and organized image that will radically improve the quality of both your personal and professional life.

    Though I'm unsure whether that was what you wanted.
     

    mardanaz

    Senior Member
    Argentina - Spanish
    They are selling a Virtual office service:

    What if I just do this: "We offer real solutions that will let you focus exclusively in your business productivity, placing it at a top commercial level that will radically improve your life quality, both professional and personal"

    Is it better?
     

    lmarfell

    Member
    english, england
    mardanaz said:
    They are selling a Virtual office service:

    What if I just do this: "We offer real solutions that will let you focus exclusively in your business productivity, placing it at a top commercial level that will radically improve your life quality, both professional and personal"

    Is it better?
    Absolutely. It makes sense, its concise. Yup - that's good!
     

    daviesri

    Senior Member
    USA English
    mardanaz said:
    They are selling a Virtual office service:

    What if I just do this: "We offer real solutions that will let you focus exclusively in (replace 'in' with 'on') your business productivity, placing it at a top commercial level that will radically improve your life quality ('quality of life' instead of 'life quality') , both professional and personal"

    Is it better?
    Who is "placing it at a top commercial level", the service or the company buying the service? It is hard to tell from this sentence. Could probably be broken down to an additional sentence by answering this question.
     

    James Stephens

    Senior Member
    English, USA
    We offer real business solutions. We can help you focus exclusively on productivity, thereby making you a real competitor in the best markets. Additionally, we can help you project an image that inspires confidence. We have helped others make a real difference in both their professional and personal lives. We can help you.

    Editorial note. I took a lot of liberties with the text. I tried to look past the words to catch the core meaning. I wonder if I have succeeded.
     

    mardanaz

    Senior Member
    Argentina - Spanish
    daviesri said:
    Who is "placing it at a top commercial level", the service or the company buying the service? It is hard to tell from this sentence. Could probably be broken down to an additional sentence by answering this question.
    The company providing the service place the your company at.....
     

    mardanaz

    Senior Member
    Argentina - Spanish
    James Stephens said:
    We offer real business solutions. We can help you focus exclusively on productivity, thereby making you a real competitor in the best markets. Additionally, we can help you project an image that inspires confidence. We have helped others make a real difference in both their professional and personal lives. We can help you.

    Editorial note. I took a lot of liberties with the text. I tried to look past the words to catch the core meaning. I wonder if I have succeeded.
    Really a lot of liberties! But I think it's a lot better than it was!
     

    river

    Senior Member
    U.S. English
    I think James's is the best one. It's more inviting and it reads more easily than a long sentence. You might consider adding something. "We can help you focus exclusively on prductivity by. . ."
     

    mardanaz

    Senior Member
    Argentina - Spanish
    river said:
    I think James's is the best one. It's more inviting and it reads more easily than a long sentence. You might consider adding something. "We can help you focus exclusively on prductivity by. . ."
    instead of "thereby making"?
     

    panjandrum

    Occasional Moderator
    English-Ireland (top end)
    mardanaz said:
    They are selling a Virtual office service:

    What if I just do this: "We offer real solutions that will let you focus [...]?
    Things strike me differently. Others are suggesting much-improved sentences for you.

    What strikes me is the clash between the product, a virtual office service, and the opening of the sentence, "We offer real solutions ...".

    You need to be aware of that clash - and I suggest that unless you are confident that this is deliberate, attention-grabbing and positive, you should delete "real". In any case, "real" has no value in the sentence,
     

    mardanaz

    Senior Member
    Argentina - Spanish
    panjandrum said:
    Things strike me differently. Others are suggesting much-improved sentences for you.

    What strikes me is the clash between the product, a virtual office service, and the opening of the sentence, "We offer real solutions ...".

    You need to be aware of that clash - and I suggest that unless you are confident that this is deliberate, attention-grabbing and positive, you should delete "real". In any case, "real" has no value in the sentence,
    It is definitely deliberate... they want to emphasise that though is a virtual office, the solutions they are offering are real and concrete...
     

    river

    Senior Member
    U.S. English
    river said:
    I think James's is the best one. It's more inviting and it reads more easily than a long sentence. You might consider adding something. "We can help you focus exclusively on prductivity by. . ."
    by managing your office service issues ( or whatever it is you will do for your client)
     
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