"I chose Berry Gordy because I feel that he changed black music for the better

N

nay92

Member
London
English, England
Recently i was doing an essay on a Berry Gordy, in which i had to explain why i had chosen him. I handed my work in. I recived it back and my teacher had put a big pencil circle around the sentance below and said it did not make sense!


"I chose Berry Gordy because I feel that he changed black music for the better and also gave black artists a chance to perform in places where black people weren't aloud to perform before."

I think this sentance makes perfect sense but loads of other people say it doesnt..so what is wrong with it?

Moderator note: please include a word or phrase from your question in the thread title so your thread can be identified and found in a search. "Does it make sense" is not a suitable title. I've changed it.
 
    • I only see the same mistake that Stefan saw, and my feeling is that should have been the only thing circled since it's clear to me what you're saying and I can't see why it doesn't make sense.
     
    If aloud was changed to allowed, it makes sense, but it can be structured better. you don't need the "I feel" as that is implied because you are the author of the sentence. It can be split into two sentences. And the word "black" is used three times. I'd try and use that word fewer times in the sentence. Limit it down to once or twice.
     
    nay92 said:
    "I chose Berry Gordy because I feel that he changed black music for the better and also gave black artists a chance to perform in places where black people weren't aloud to perform before."
    Click to expand...

    • I'd leave out that "I feel" —> it's padding and "because" says it anyway.
    • I'd query the use of "black music" —> he changed music, period!
    • I'd query the use of "and also" —> he ... and ...
    • I'd query the repeated use of "black" —> not for a race reason, for an easy reading reason.
    • and I'd jump on the "allowed" bandwagon as it passed by - driven by Mr Gordy, doubtless :)

    If you were to go back to the teacher with…
    I chose Berry Gordy because he changed music for the better
    and gave his artists the opportunity to perform in places
    where black people weren't previously allowed to perform.
    … I think you'd get through intact.
     
    nay92 said:
    Recently I was doing an essay on a Berry Gordy, in which I had to explain why I had chosen him. I handed my work in. I received it back and my teacher had put a big pencil circle around the sentence below and said it did not make sense!

    "I chose Berry Gordy because I feel I think that he changed black music for the better, and also he gave black artists a chance to perform in places where black people weren't aloud allowed to perform before."

    I think this sentence makes perfect sense but loads of other people say it doesn't. So, what is wrong with it?
    Click to expand...
    As others have pointed out, the sentence makes sense if you substitute "allowed" for "aloud", but I've made some corrections, both to the sentence in question and to your question to the forum.
     
    Another suggestion:

    "I chose Berry Gordy because I feel [think] that he changed black music for the better by giving black artists a chance to perform in places where they were had not been allowed to perform before."
     
    You don't need either I feel OR I think!! It's redundant because people know it's your feeling, your thought, your opinion, because it was written by you. My English teachers always nagged on us to make sure we didn't say, "I think/I feel/My opinion/etc.

    I would say:

    I chose Berry Gordy because he changed music for the better. He gave black artists a chance to perform in places where none before them had[or ...in places where they were not allowed to before].
     
    caballoschica said:
    You don't need either I feel OR I think!! It's redundant because people know it's your feeling, your thought, your opinion, because it was written by you. My English teachers always nagged on us to make sure we didn't say, "I think/I feel/My opinion/etc.

    I would say:

    I chose Berry Gordy because he changed music for the better. He gave black artists a chance to perform in places where none before them had[or ...in places where they were not allowed to before].
    Click to expand...

    I must disagree Caballoschica. It is Nay92's opinion that he changed music for the better. I might think/feel that he did not change it for the better but I cannot flatly state that he did not, just as Nay92 cannot flatly state that he did. Just because it was written by "someone" does not mean that it's a fact and that we automatically know that it is simply Nay92's opinion.

    Your English teacher probably nagged you on this point because it's sometimes an indication of a writer's lack of commitment on a subject or is simply a "filler" to beef up a piece of writing. However, I don't see anything wrong with Nay92 using "I feel" - it indicates to me that although others may disagree with him, that's what he thinks.
     
    caballoschica said:
    You don't need either I feel OR I think!! It's redundant because people know it's your feeling, your thought, your opinion, because it was written by you. My English teachers always nagged on us to make sure we didn't say, "I think/I feel/My opinion/etc.

    Other people in my class wrote i think and i feel because thats what the teacher HAS asked for, she wants to know what we "think" and "feel" for the person we have chose. It does not matter weather i chose it or not!
    Click to expand...
     
    nay92 said:
    caballoschica said:
    You don't need either I feel OR I think!! It's redundant because people know it's your feeling, your thought, your opinion, because it was written by you. My English teachers always nagged on us to make sure we didn't say, "I think/I feel/My opinion/etc.

    Other people in my class wrote i I think and i I feel because thats what the teacher HAS asked for, she wants to know what we "think" and "feel" for the person we have chosen. It does not matter weather i I chose it or not!
    Click to expand...

    I hope you don't mind the corrections, Nay92, but I notice that whenever you write "I" in the middle of a sentence, you don't capitalize it (in your original post as well as in this response). It needs to be capitalized.:)
    Click to expand...
     
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