"Implacable: I feel the stormIn the darkness of a desolated place..."

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zafiro

Senior Member
Español - Chile
I'm translating a song and I need to know if it's right, i have doubts specially with "implacable" Implacable I feel the stormIn the darkness of a desolated placeThe sky pours shadows over this worldThat slowly vanishes between darkness Light of dawn, I can feel you shrouding my being slowlyAnd in the deepest and unfleshed sorrows I implore younot to show indiference in your face to my beloved moonwilted of pain seeing my suffering My dying body is engendered by the darknessAnd resisting is uselessI, more than anyone, deserve to suffer this tormentNow to abandon is the only thing left The sweet and sad elegyThat overflowed a tender darkness into the eyesUnworthy weeping! without will of mercyYou that live and die, burn in chastity
 
  • VenusEnvy

    Senior Member
    English, United States
    Did you translate it from Spanish to English? If you want to know if the translation is correct, you should provide us with the original text, too.
     

    zafiro

    Senior Member
    Español - Chile
    Actually what I really need to know if this text is grammatically correct and if it has sense in English, I mean if English- speaking people understand it or there are words or even sentences badly used.


    VenusEnvy said:
    Did you translate it from Spanish to English? If you want to know if the translation is correct, you should provide us with the original text, too.
     

    VenusEnvy

    Senior Member
    English, United States
    zafiro said:
    Actually what I really need to know if this text is grammatically correct and if it has sense in English, I mean if English- speaking people understand it or there are words or even sentences badly used.
    In that case, this question should be in the English-Only forum, as it only examines the English language. Let's wait for help...
     

    lauranazario

    Moderatrix
    Español puertorriqueño & US English
    VenusEnvy said:
    In that case, this question should be in the English-Only forum, as it only examines the English language. Let's wait for help...
    After seeing Zafiro's explanation, I agree with you Venus.
    I am transferring this thread to the English-Only forum.

    Saludos,
    LN
     

    DaleC

    Senior Member
    I've taken the liberty of breaking up the one long word you provided, using your own capital letters as guides.

    Overall: yes, it's grammatical and intelligible. There ARE glaring exceptions.
    It's hard to believe all the weird parts are accurate translations. Of course, without seeing the Spanish song, all suggested revisions must be tentative. It sure would be nice to know where there should be commas and periods.


    zafiro said:
    I'm translating a song and I need to know if it's right, i have doubts specially with "implacable" Implacable

    I feel the storm

    In the darkness of a desolated desolate place

    The sky pours shadows over this world
    That slowly vanishes is slowly vanishing between amid (into?) darkness

    Light of dawn,
    I can feel you
    slowly shrouding my being slowly
    And in the deepest and unfleshed -- "
    unfleshed"? -- sorrows
    I implore you

    not to show indifference in your face -- redundant -- to my beloved moon --"moon"? --

    wilted wilting -- of -- in, with -- pain [comma] seeing my suffering

    My dying body is engendered -- "dying" together with "engender" is nonsense, but poets and songwriters these days write a lot of nonsense -- by the darkness

    And resisting
    is useless resistance is futile
    I, more than anyone, deserve to suffer this torment
    Now to abandon is the only thing left -- who is abandoning whom or what? The songwriter is probably to blame for this one, too
    The sweet and sad elegy

    That overflowed -- to use "overflow" or "flow" as transitive verbs is acceptable, but only in a poem -- a tender darkness into the eyes
    -- the preceding two lines constitute a sentence fragment --
    Unworthy weeping! without will of mercy
    -- redundant because "mercy" is a variety of will
    You -- singular "you" or "those of you"? -- that live and die, burn in chastity
     
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