in a husky voice

Daffodil100

Senior Member
Chinese
#1
Once upon a time there was a ferocious eagle which was the king of birds. He often hovered over the valley scouting around for food. One day he found there was a female owl staying in her nest with her four eggs. When the eagle dived down on the nest and was going to eat the eggs, the mother owl said deferentially, "Salutation! King Eagle! Ya aren't hurgry, are ya?"
"Yes, I am. Ma'am!" the drooling eagle answered in a husky voice . "I'm hungry to death. I gonna to take these four eggs for my breakfast. Mmm, they must be palatable."
Quote 1 is my writing. Quote 2 is a comment by an American teacher.

Can someone explain why the teacher removed " in a husky voice" from my writing?


#2
I don't think eagles drool. How about:
"Yes, I am. Ma'am!" the eagle said. I am very hungry. I'm going to eat those eggs, and nothing is going to stop me.
 
  • suzi br

    Senior Member
    English / England
    I don't know why your teacher is focussing on that. Husky voice sounds ok for a drooling, TALKING eagle for me.

    From my view (as a person who regularly guides students in creative writing) the style issue in more serious.

    (see my other post in your other thread).
     

    ewie

    Senior Member
    English English
    As an ex-teacher (and in the company of Suzi who is still a teacher) I shouldn't really be saying this ... but: Teachers aren't always right:eek:
     
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