it was always <by><with> me

[sehrguey ogoltsoff]

hi there

I kept the excruciating fear hidden deep as somewhat shameful want, but it was always by me.

This is a self-made sentence.
It's source is here.
Context: fear of to become a cuckold.

So, is it by or with me, please? (N-gram did not make me wiser in this particular case.)

Yours`
sehrguey

 

[owlman5]

What was "always by you", Sehrguey? Your sentence isn't normal English, so I can't tell what "by me" or "with me" refers to. Are you trying to say that you always suppressed some excruciating fear that you had?

 

[sehrguey ogoltsoff]

What was "always by you", Sehrguey? Your sentence isn't normal English, so I can't tell what "by me" or "with me" refers to. Are you trying to say that you always suppressed some excruciating fear that you had?

Thank you, owlman5
Your interpretation is perfectly exact: I always had it, and it always remained by my side. Before your comment, fettered with my native tongues, I couldn't imagine there might be any other perspective, now I see.

I kept that excruciating fear hidden deep as somewhat shameful want, but no masking worked for getting rid of the choking grip of misery, it always was on me.

Yours`
sehrguey

 

[owlman5]

Thanks for the reply, Sehrguey. Your last sentence looks better. I'm not sure what "as somewhat shameful want" is supposed to mean, but that would be a good subject for a different thread.