lacking in the look of your eyes

[Xenios]

Hola,
Bueno trataré de seguir todas esas reglas. Aunque no se trata exactamente de una traducción. Simplemente estoy tratando de componer un verso en inglés pero no es que lo tenga en español previamente. La idea es algo así como que "los cíclopes mueren (desfallecen, languideden, estan en extinción) por la falta (desprovistos, carentes, etc) de tu mirada".

Ahora bien, en inglés está dificil la cosa. He intentado varias. Aquí va la que más creo que puede ser:
"Cyclopes die lacking in the look of your eyes".
Alguien tiene alguna buena sugerencia???

Quisiera traducir toda la explicación en inglés para que algún nativo me ayude pero mi inglés no es tan bueno.

Mil gracias por si alguien recibe el mensaje en la botella

Xenios

 

[Ktjo101]

Interesting phrase. What is this for? Can you give some more context?

My humble suggestions:

Cyclopes die from the lack of your glance.
or
Cyclopes die who are devoid of your glance.
or
Cyclopes die lacking the look in your eyes.

I wouldn't say "lacking in the look in your eyes."

Suerte!

 

[Xenios]

thanks a lot for the answer so fast, i just publicated it few minutes ago

so look, i'm trying to compose a poem or song it could be too pretentious but is my challenge... and well i don't like to write my conry stuffs in spanish cause in other language sounds better, not too cheesy

well, if you want more context, the first part with your correction is this:
"Everything was said
No more words to concoct
My sunflowers sailing through your pupil waters
You can dive into my dark seas because you’re all my oceans
Some fragments of my dreams
Memories always better than reality
Cyclopes die lacking the look in your eyes
Your hand will draw other mouths"

Thanks again

Xenios

 

[Ktjo101]

Cool. I like the poem. I recently got into poetry translation so I can understand the kind of problems you encounter.

Some more input...

If you use:
"Cyclopes die lacking the look in your eyes"
I think this version has the sense that the cyclopes die (for whatever reason) without ever getting to experience or see the "look in your eyes."

If you use:
"Cyclopes die from the lack of your glance"
This means that because "you" never looked at the cyclopes, they died. "You" never looking at the cyclopes was the cause of their death.

A glance is something you do at someone else, while the "look in your eyes" refers only to the expression on your face and how your eyes appear to someone else.

Hope this makes sense and is helpful. Good luck with the poem.

 

[Xenios]

wow... you really get the point. I don't know why i resist to use "glance". But the way you explain it almost persuaded me. Do you read "Rayuela" of Cortazar? The idea comes from one extract.

The idea is exactly that the reason the cyclopes are wiping out (that was the original idea) is "you" don't glance they any more. Like if they feed with her glance. But i don't know if in english "your glance" is as intense as "tu mirada" in spanish. "Tu mirada" has a strong emphasis in the eyes.

Well, ok i'm convinced "cyclopes die from the lack of your glance" is good.

Thanks a lot,

Xenios.