parenthesis to break off a sequence of commas: is it workable?

Alex5jandra

New Member
Spanish
Hi everyone

I have a question about the sentence below

Educated ­in Germany, Japan, and the US in the fields of Business, Economics, and Accountancy, David has participated in various international studies.


It just seems like there are way too many commas on this sentence.
Does anyone have a suggestion to fix this? (besides getting rid of the examples of course)

I was thinking maybe I could include some parentheses like
Educated ­in Germany, Japan, and the US in various fields of Business (including Finance, Economics, and Accountancy), David has participated in various international studies.

it doesn't really reduce the commas but i think it looks better...
what do you all think?
 
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  • owlman5

    Senior Member
    English-US
    Hello, Alex. I prefer the first version. Since most of the commas in the sentence are being used ordinarily to separate items in a list, I don't find them to be either unnecessary or clumsy. I don't regard the use of parentheses in your second version as an improvement. To me, the parentheses call more attention to themselves than the commas do.
     

    Alex5jandra

    New Member
    Spanish
    Hi owlman5

    Thanks for your reply.

    Actually, I replaced a semi-long clause with "various international studies" just to simplify my question

    So the actual sentence looks more like this

    "Educated in Germany, Japan, and the US in the fields of Business, Economics, and Accountancy, David has participated

    in a wide range of comparative studies dealing with the philosophical differences in the financial market between the western and eastern world"

    anyways, do you think that still looks ok?
     
    Last edited:

    Parla

    Member Emeritus
    English - US
    Hi owlman5

    Thanks for your reply.

    Actually, I replaced a semi-long clause with "various international studies" just to simplify my question

    So the actual sentence looks more like this

    "Educated in Germany, Japan, and the US in the fields of Business, Economics, and Accountancy, David has participated

    in a wide range of comparative studies dealing with the philosophical differences in the financial market between the western and eastern world"

    anyways, do you think that still looks ok?
    All of the suggested versions are fine, in my opinion, but business, economics, and accountancy should not be capitalized; they are common, not proper, nouns.
     

    inib

    Senior Member
    British English
    All of the suggested versions are fine, in my opinion, but business, economics, and accountancy should not be capitalized; they are common, not proper, nouns.
    Parla, it's not my intention to refute your opinion, and I totally agree that business, economics and accountancy are common nouns, but I just wonder if there might be an excuse to use capital letters, seeing as they could be interpreted as "titles" on a syllabus or curriculum? Or maybe there is another reason that hasn't occurred to me yet, but I can't say it looked awfully wrong when I read it with capitals.
     
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